Dear Eric: I am the youngest of four and the only girl. I happen to be deaf (I speak and read lips). It’s always been a challenge communicating with the whole family. Often the conversation feels like watching a ping-pong game and I often miss snippets of conversations and jokes.
My oldest brother got married to a woman who has a teenage daughter. They have bonded with my youngest brother who has two teenage sons.
The two families travel together often. My youngest brother is the only one who invites me along, but it happens later in the planning process. I have a family too, with kids who are a little older than the teenagers.
I hear nothing from my oldest brother and his wife. This has been going on for a few years now and I feel excluded from my own family. I’ve often felt like saying something, but not sure what the point is. It’s hard enough being the only girl and having a disability. What do you think I should do?
– Left Out
Dear Left Out: Within a family, different pairs of siblings often have different dynamics. That’s normal. But from your letter, it’s clear that this dynamic between your brothers is bringing up old pain.
For that reason, it’s a good idea to talk to your younger brother about the relationship you’d like to have. Go into it using “I” statements and try to focus on solutions. It’s not your job to fix everything – or anything – but the conversation will be more productive if you go into it knowing what you’d like to be different.
For instance, if you’d like him to include you earlier in the planning process for vacations, you can ask for that. If you’d like to take your two families on a trip together, you can ask for that, too.
What is your relationship like with the fourth sibling? Is that something on which to build?
As for the older brother, it may be helpful to think about what you’d like from that relationship first. Would you like to be in more regular contact? Have you reached out? It may be that this isn’t a relationship that serves either one of you right now, which is OK. But by reframing it or accepting it for what it is, you may start to see the family differently.
The family isn’t your two brothers, with you on the outside. The family is all four of you (and your families). Your two brothers’ time together is one aspect of your family’s larger dynamic, but you also have the power to cultivate the relationships within your family that nourish you.
Dear Eric: For as long as I can remember, my older sister has emotionally abused me. Her comments on my weight were partially hurtful to me. I’m not model material but not fat.
She has criticized everything about me, such as the way I dressed, the way I walked, my choice of music, pets and friends and food. I let this go on for far too long and would like to tell her how hurtful she’s been to me over the years, but I know she will either say “I don’t remember saying that” or “you’re too sensitive.”
I would like to get closure on this, but at the same time I don’t want to look like I’ve been holding a grudge all this time. Am I right for confronting her, or am I just overthinking it?
– Sister Situation
Dear Sister: It can be so frustrating, and hurtful, to get responses like the ones you’re anticipating from your sister. Sometimes, closure doesn’t mean everyone agrees about every detail of the past. Indeed, that rarely happens. But closure can mean an acknowledgment of feelings, an awareness that there is something broken in a relationship, and a shared desire to build a healthier relationship moving forward.
From what you’ve written, I’m not certain that the latter version of closure is likely either. It’s not impossible, but your sister needs to be in a different place than she is currently for a conversation to be fruitful.
So, it’ll be helpful to first work on closure internally. Talk to a therapist about the relationship and the hurt you’ve experienced. It will be helpful to have someone listen to you without judgment. A therapist can help guide you to healing, which is, itself, a form of closure. A therapist can also help you practice for and plan for a conversation with your sister.
The most important thing to remember is that your sister isn’t the key to your freedom from this. What she says and what she accepts responsibility for are a part of it, but even if she doesn’t accept responsibility for anything, you can still find peace.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com.
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