There are some situations where you probably shouldn’t say the real thing.
In Monday’s Orioles game against the Yankees, Ryan O’Hearn made a place for himself in the book of Birdland legends by hitting a three-run home run. It wasn’t the home run itself that was legendary. Rather, after doing the traditional walk down the dugout high-fiving everyone and then taking a drink out of the homer hose, O’Hearn, who was oblivious to or uncaring of a hot mic right next to him, exclaimed, “Suck my fuckin’ balls!”
He could have said anything right there and it would have been great, because he just gave the Orioles a 4-0 lead over the Yankees in a game that everyone hoped would launch an O’s season comeback that is desperately needed. The fact that he said something that you just don’t hear on live television every day made it funny and legendary.
Even the YES broadcast, which picked up the moment of exuberance, added to the legend as announcer Michael Kay, who had just explained the homer hose, deadpanned, “Maybe they should wash their mouths out.”
There are a lot of situations in one’s daily life where it will be for the best not to shout “Suck my fuckin’ balls!” any time something cool happens. If kids are around? Don’t say it. Any work setting? Keep it to yourself. Nobody knows this sense of time and place better than Adley Rutschman, who, after participating in the celebratory drink since he was one of the runners on base, made this priceless face when he turned and noticed the camera had picked up what O’Hearn said:
Like, he knows his mom is watching and he just got busted for even being near someone saying “Suck my fuckin’ balls!” He probably heard about that one later.
On the theme of parents: I will be going to Saturday’s Orioles game with my own parents, and there is a zero percent chance that I am going to bring up this topic, no matter how much fun I’ve had with it on here this week. If they ask me about it, I’ll allude to it vaguely, and do my very best to avoid quoting that combination of words to my parents under any circumstances.
In that spirit, sometimes it will be best to stick to an acronym of the words: SMFB. And it might be for the best to have some alternate meanings handy. I’ll start with a few suggestions:
- Shag many fly balls
- Smell my French bread
- Said Moses, “Fiery bush!”
- Speedily make fifty bucks
- Searing means flavorful beef
- Strange magic fantasy books
- Something major: Ferocious bears
- Strategically mine ferrous byproducts
Do you have any ideas for other meanings for SMFB? Give me your best in the comments below.