Wizards win, Hornets don’t: NBA Cellar Dweller Power Rankings, Vol. II

Our band of misfit NBA teams picked up some impressive wins this week.

This week’s column was about 95% finished when I left for SoFi Stadium to go watch my Los Angeles Chargers take on the Denver Broncos in a Thursday Night Football playoff push. I missed a packed slate of NBA games, but it was worth it because the Chargers won! More surprisingly, however, so did almost every team on this list, which completely shook up the rankings.

As a reminder, you’re worse off the farther down this page you are. These rankings are based on a combination of the week’s performance, the team’s season thus far and the overall outlook of the franchise going forward. They are also quite subjective and not a perfect science by any means. Here’s last week’s column if you’d like a refresher.

7. Philadelphia 76ers

Last week’s ranking: 6

This week’s record: 1-1 (14-point loss to Indiana, 13-point win over Charlotte)

Net rating: -4.6

Friday’s loss to the Indiana Pacers devastated the Sixers. Joel Embiid, the team’s MVP who has been struggling to get right, is dealing with yet another setback after suffering a nasal fracture against Indy. He’ll have a clearer timetable for a return early next week, but luckily this injury appears less severe than his previous couple of facial fractures. The Sixers also lost Rookie of the Year favorite Jared McCain in the same game, who subsequently underwent surgery to repair his torn meniscus. McCain is out indefinitely.

The Sixers are in the midst of almost a week off, a necessary break to ease the general soreness that seems to be incurable within this organization. Like I said last week, thank god the Eagles are good. However, while this is not a football column, I do feel the need to mention that I have a gut feeling the Eagles’ season ends in a ridiculous Divisional Round loss. That feeling is based on literally nothing.

6. Portland Trail Blazers

Last week’s ranking: N/R

This week’s record: 1-2 (2-point loss to San Antonio, 7-point loss to Phoenix, 2-point win over Denver)

Net rating: -8.8

The Western Conference is a bloodbath of twelve competitive teams shuffling around the standings, all of whom would be comfortable playoff teams in the East. The Portland Trail Blazers are the 13th team.

This week the Blazers lost decently close games to two just-okay teams, the Phoenix Suns and the San Antonio Spurs. Then Anfernee Simons drilled a magnificent game-winner off the glass to down the Denver Nuggets (who have now lost to the Wizards, Pelicans and Blazers this season).

The Blazers have a pretty uninspiring roster, and I’ll go through it right here with my stream of conscious thoughts so as to illustrate that. Anfernee Simons: “Ehhh he’s alright, awesome game winner though.” Shaedon Sharpe: “Yeah he’s decent.” Jerami Grant: “Ehhhhh.” DeAndre Ayton: “He’s fine.” Deni Avdija: “Ehhhh.” Scoot Henderson: “He needs to get it together.” Dalano Banton: “Yeah alright.” Robert Williams: “Ehhh he’s always injured anyway.” Toumani Camara: “Okay I like him.” Donovan Clingan: “Him too.” For those counting at home that’s 8 of 10 rotational players who got lukewarm reactions and a whopping four “Ehhh”s. This kind of riveting analysis is what keeps food on my table.

5. Toronto Raptors

Last week’s ranking: 1

This week’s record: 0-2 (1-point loss versus Chicago, 7-point loss to Brooklyn)

Net rating: -5.0

The Raptors lost a one-point game this week to the best bad team in the NBA: the Chicago Bulls. No shame in that. They also failed to crack 100 points against the Brooklyn Nets, who let up about 115 per game this season. There’s a little shame in that.

There’s not much to say about the Raptors this week — they stuck to their M.O., which is to lose competitive-ish games and complete the ethical tank. Mission accomplished.

4. Utah Jazz

Last week’s ranking: 2

This week’s record: 1-2 (8-point loss to Phoenix, 37-point loss versus the Clippers, 7-point win over Detroit)

Net rating: -9.9

The Utah Jazz are quietly abysmal. While every discussion of the NBA’s basement requires an obligatory jab at the Wizards, nobody gets blown out of the building as often as the Jazz. Last week they lost a game by 44 points to the Sacramento Kings, and this week they lost to the LA Clippers by 37 while allowing James Harden to drop 24 on their heads in the first quarter alone (he finished with 41 in just 31 minutes played).

The Jazz actually have the worst defense in the NBA by two full points per 100 possessions. In fact, the record for the worst defensive rating of all time belongs to last year’s Jazz… unless you count the current Jazz, who will set the record if they keep this pace up.

The Jazz actually won last night against the Detroit Pistons on the back of 85 combined points from Lauri Markkanen, Keyonte George and Collin Sexton. Does that say more about the Pistons, who were finally supposed to try and be competitive this season?

3. New Orleans Pelicans

Last week’s ranking: 4

This week’s record: 0-2 (15-point loss to Indiana, 20-point loss to Houston)

Net rating: -11.7

This made me laugh this week:

With all due respect to Yves Missi, there is nobody on this roster even remotely close to All-Star consideration. Brandon Ingram is a good player but is certainly not All-Star caliber, especially considering he’s only played 18 games and is out indefinitely. Trey Murphy III, Herb Jones and Dejounte Murray are all fun role players who round out this squad to an on-paper contender, but they’ve played a combined 29 games. And Zion Williamson… he’s played six games and is once again in trade rumors. It’s now Williamson’s sixth year in the NBA with no relief from his injury plague in sight.

I really do not have much to say about the Pelicans. They’re injured into such oblivion that they’re functionally a night off for the visiting team. I’m going to have to come up with a new way to talk about how injured the Pelicans are every week for the rest of the season, which will really put my narrative skills to the test.

2. Washington Wizards

Last week’s ranking: 5

This week’s record: 1-2 (10-point loss to Cleveland, 14-point loss to Boston, 9-point win over Charlotte)

Net rating: -14.8

At least the Commanders are good… or at least Spencer Rattler is bad?

I mentioned earlier that the Jazz, like many other teams, are shielded from a good portion of mockery by the mere existence of the Washington Wizards. That’s not for no reason — the Jazz’ nasty -9.9 net rating is cosmically dwarfed by the Wizards’ -14.8, which was the worst in NBA history until a nine-point win over the Hornets Thursday night bumped it up to third-worst ever. It’s not even a couple forty-point blowouts skewing the averages, either — the Wizards consistently lose by 12 to 25 points, night in and night out. They have four wins on the year, and only a single one of their losses was by fewer than double digits, a nine-point loss to the San Antonio Spurs on Nov. 13.

I feel bad for piling on the Wizards all the time because I really like all the players on this team, plus almost all of the people who read these columns are Wizards fans. Bilal Coulibaly is one of my favorite players in the NBA, and he’s probably going to be my preseason pick for Most Improved next year. It’s also admirable how the Wizards front office managed to find three diamonds in the rough that was the 2024 NBA Draft. Alex Sarr, Bub Carrington and Kyshawn George have been three of the best rookies so far, and I’m excited to see how this trifecta develops alongside Coulibaly as the Wizards gradually move back toward competitiveness.

On the bright side, we got a Coulibaly slam so electric that I’ve gotta brainstorm exclamations more creative than “hang it in the Louvre”!

1. Charlotte Hornets

Last week’s ranking: 3

This week’s record: 0-3 (14-point loss to Chicago, 13-point loss to Philly, 9-point loss to Washington)

Net rating: -6.2

LaMelo Ball finally came back from injury after a loss to the Bulls and… the Hornets lost to the Sixers and the Wizards. If my memory serves me right, this makes the Hornets the first team in the history of these rankings (dating back to last season) to ever lose to two other Cellar Dwellers in the same week.

Losing to the Sixers is one thing — there is legitimate competitive talent on that squad, and this is likely to be their last appearance on this list for the time being. But losing to the Wizards? Now that’s a crime punishable by Euro-style relegation.

What’s concerning about the Hornets is that they don’t really have veteran talent on the roster as trade bait — this squad kind of is what it is right now. Taj Gibson and Vasilije Micić are the team’s veterans, but neither would fetch any substantial value in a trade. LaMelo Ball and Brandon Miller are both awesome players, but they need some help if they are to eventually break their playoff drought, which is already the longest in the NBA by three years.

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It was an eventful week across the NBA. Congratulations to the Milwaukee Bucks, winners of this season’s NBA Cup! Giannis Antetokounmpo was the obvious choice for NBA Cup MVP after posting 26 points and 19 rebounds in a dominant win over the Oklahoma City Thunder. Dennis Schroder was also traded to the Golden State Warriors, finally giving Steph Curry a really solid backup as he looks to ride off into the sunset with at least some competitive basketball.

Lastly, rest in peace to Janis Timma, a former player for the Orlando Magic. If you are struggling, always remember that you are important and loved. Remember, too, that help is always available, which I will link here.