Dear Amy: I hate my best friend’s boyfriend.
I met my “Shari” in high school. We have been inseparable ever since. Back then, she was outgoing, radiated confidence, was down to earth, and nothing ever bothered her.
Since she began her relationship with “Stephan,” she is a completely different person.
She is unsure of herself, has no confidence, and she now has frequent anxiety attacks. I attribute all of this to Stephan. She complains about him a lot.
When I first met him, I was in his corner, but the more I hung out with him, the more red flags I saw. He isn’t motivated, has no goals, and is an alcoholic. Shari also noticed all of these things.
Stephan got so drunk the night before my wedding that he forgot to drop off the liquor and food at the venue for the next day.
At the wedding, he got drunk and left right after dinner. Later, Shari went to the hotel room she paid for and found that she wasn’t able to get in.
Stephan had put the security lock on the door so not even the hotel staff could access the room for her.
Shari stayed with me and my new husband the night of our wedding. She was upset and embarrassed.
Stephan has still not apologized to us for his actions, and I have not seen him since.
I want her to leave him. Our other friends don’t understand why I am still friends with her after everything he has done.
I don’t want to lose her as a friend. She’s not responsible for his actions. I’m also terrified that she will marry him.
Amy, should I just give up on my relationship with her?
How can I convince her that she needs to leave this relationship?
– Struggling Friend
Dear Struggling: You may not be able to convince your friend of anything at all.
The power for you will rest on your willingness to stay close with a dear friend who seems to be in an abusive and depleting relationship.
Maintaining this friendship might be very frustrating for you at times, but expressing your hatred of her boyfriend might actually cause her to defend her choices, nudge her toward him, and isolate her even more.
Instead, you should tell her that you want the very best for her, and that you know in your bones that she deserves to be treated well by someone who respects her.
You might also urge her to attend a “friends and family” program like Al-anon. Communicating with other people who are entwined with addicts could help her to find her footing.
Dear Amy: For years our home has been the go-to home for the holidays. We purposely created this sort of environment because we have large families on both sides and a big circle of close friends.
Our “smallest” gatherings are no less than 25 to 30 people.
The problem is that as the years have gone by, and the kids get older, the list has expanded exponentially with the adult children of our close friends wanting to bring their own friends or dates to the gathering.
I am trying not to let it bother me, but I cannot help but get increasingly annoyed with the asking and bringing extra people.
Don’t get me wrong, everyone has a good time and helps, but I just feel it’s RUDE to continue to put me in the position.
This Thanksgiving alone, I had SIX additional “can they come” guests I don’t even know. Your thoughts?
– Exhausted
Dear Exhausted: Understand that each person asking to bring an extra person doesn’t realize that several others have also asked.
There is something of a tradition for people to debut new partners at the Thanksgiving feast, and so if younger family members want to bring a new squeeze to meet the family, it would be hard to say no.
You may have to draw the line with your friends’ adult children bringing extra people.
Dear Amy: “First-Time Grandparents” were being excluded from their daughter-in-law’s family gatherings. The DIL’s parents went ballistic twice on them, so I don’t understand why they would ever want to be around them unless absolutely necessary.
I’ve had four sons-in-law and none of the parents ever hung out.
We just saw the other in-laws at a special gathering like a baby shower, a Christening, birthday parties, things like that.
– Ninth-time Grandparents
Dear Grandparents: Many in-laws do not casually socialize at all – and this approach can work best for everyone.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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